The NFL dropped their latest power rankings leading up to week 5 yesterday, and although some rankings are a given, some were just blatantly inaccurate. A mix of favoritism and seemingly not taking a good look at every team led to a list where the middle just looks fucked up. I am going to fix that. We'll go through each ranking, I'll give my take, and then I'll put the team in the range (not going exact, I'll forget what numbers I used right away) I deem more accurate. Let's get into this.
32. Chicago Bears
I've already dived into the Bears and how I feel about them (see yesterday's post) so there's not much to say here. Eberflus is not a good coach and is nose diving his team to failure, Claypool is DEFINITELY not the guy he thinks he is, and Moore and (the consistently underrated) Mooney are a solid duo to have on any team I truly believe. This Thursday they face the Commanders, who are in the middle of the pack, so we'll see how these boys fare against that defense. Hopes are not high.
MY RANKING: 32 (they got this one right, it's a gimme)
31. Carolina Panthers
I don't think the Panthers were meant to be good this year. They are rebuilding the team, with a brand new head coach and quarterback. What they need now is a brand new o-line and no. 1 receiver. Chark is good but not great, and Thielen probably is on his way out soon. That o-line though, good God. Bryce Young has absolutely no time to do anything because immediately after the snap, he has 3-4 behemoths diving at his throat (usually a QB's waist, but he is short in case you didn't catch that). The size comparison looks like me standing next to Taylor Lewan (see pic for reference, I am also very short). Because of this, we truly have no gauge on how good Young is yet, because the poor motherfucker hasn't even had a chance to show us!
Ya'll better hope human lawn darts don't become an Olympic Sport anytime soon, Taylor and I got Gold locked up.
MY RANKING: 31 (another gimme)
30. New York Giants
Not a great performance Monday night, I know. I think the Giants are a QB away from being a genuinely solid team. Daniel Jones isn't it, and they literally decided to set $160 million on fire this off-season with that deal. Daboll is a great coach, and can utilize a QB's strengths and maximize their potential (see Josh Allen). Problem is, the QB also needs to do their part. Daniel Jones is not doing his part. The Giants will continue to perform at this level as long as he is under center, unless he has some miraculous turn-around and starts pulling his weight. But overall, he is more of a serviceable back-up you want on your team rather than a franchise-leading QB.
MY RANKING: 26-29
29. Las Vegas Raiders
Damn, I won't lie, this team got me. It was the classic "Look how good these guys are" during their preseason match ups and it gave me hope that the team had started to buy in to Josh McDaniel's system. Alas, they have decided to continue with their reputation from last year, having the tools to compete with better teams but never executing. New game plan: Just throw to Davante. Do it. It worked for Rodgers great. Once Garoppolo leaves the league, or the team, I actually think Aidan O'Connell will do a decent job, and maybe the Raiders can go back to disappointing everyone in the wild card round again.
MY RANKING: 25-27
28. Denver Broncos
Too high, no pun intended here. You know how when you play a video game and you're just getting absolutely demolished by a boss, so you decide to make some upgrades to your armor, therefore tricking yourself into thinking you actually have chance at beating them now? Yeah, that's what's going on here with the Broncos and Sean Payton. Russ ain't it, and Payton isn't going to magically fix that. That wouldn't matter anyways, who's gonna step in and show out, Jarrett Stidham? Alright then.
MY RANKING: 30-32
27. Arizona Cardinals
Well this team has been interesting, especially Josh Dobbs. The man has been producing for this team in Kyler Murray's absence, despite what their record is showing. They definitely surprised the hell out of the Cowboys, and that goes to show what these team can be. Gannon seems to be building a team that is just mean as fuck, and I can't lie, I'm here for it.
MY RANKING: 23-26
26. Indianapolis Colts
I hope the general public does not actually agree putting my boys this low, because if that's the case, man fuck ya'll. Seriously though, all biases aside I have been pleasantly surprised by the Colts so far. I mentioned it in my blog about them, but the statement remains true: Shane Steichen is making the Colts look Competent. Games aren't being choked away every week, when they get in the red zone they actually score sometimes now, and the defense that had high expectations is finally beginning to stop the run. Who knows, maybe the AFC South can actually be a division worth talking about one day.
MY RANKING: 1 (okay, okay) 19-22
25. Minnesota Vikings
Holy 50/50 Batman, I don't know when the hell this team is going to fully come together! Kirk Cousins has been really solid so far this season. My guess is he took a break against the Panthers on Sunday so that his defense could actually put it some work. I'm in a survivor league and Vikings were my pick this week, so I'm glad they delivered. Justin Jefferson will continue to be him, so they'll never have to worry about that. Their defense will continue to be their downfall though if they don't clean it up. As we've begun to see, luck can only go in your favor so many times.
MY RANKING: 17-20
24. New England Patriots
They're dead. They're finally dead. The Patriots have been the most lackluster team this year, squeaking out a win just to make everyone guess for one more week. Well, this week really showed their true colors. They cannot compete with anyone who plays a a decent game. And the best part is, they’ve started beating themselves so other teams don’t have to. I know boys and girls, I know “6 rings bro!” Exactly, you had your time, now we FINALLY get to laugh back. Let us have this.
MY RANKING: 27-30
23. Pittsburgh Steelers
Another pre-season folly that had ol’ Fax all invested. I was thinking have a .500 record was going to be easy for the Steelers this year. It can never be easy though, can it? It’s the OC. We can all stand here and pretend it’s someone else, but we all also seem to be on the same page: Just get rid of Matt Canada. (Hey Mr. Tomlin, if I put your son on my college team that may or may not exist, can I get an interview? You should see me on Madden!)
MY RANKING: 22-25
22. Washington Commanders
GO. FOR. TWO. Holy shit that was a disappointing end to a potentially great underdog game. Ending the Eagles undefeated streak two years in a row would’ve been awesome. Didn’t happen. I forgot Ron Rivera really wants to keep his career W-L ratio perfectly even. That’s gotta be why he didn’t go for two right? Anyways, Sam Howell had a great bounce back game and I sense a brighter future for this team.
MY RANKING: 16-19
21. Atlanta Falcons
We knew. We all knew this would happen. Put Heinecke in, and then maybe you can fight for the division. Bijan Robinson rocks. Moving on.
MY RANKING: 24-27
20. Cincinnati Bengals
Before we get started, let’s all clarify something: we are talking about RIGHT NOW. I know there’s a pretty decent chance Cincy will un-fuck themselves in the coming months, but RIGHT NOW? Garbage. Terrible. Disgusting. Joe can’t move anywhere and it sucks. Jamar is always fuckin’ open (excuse my profanity). I hope Tee is alright. Hell, I hope they’re all alright and soon. Or these guys are fucked this year.
MY RANKING: 23-26
19. New York Jets
How about Zach Wilson, huh? When an Aaron Rodgers appears, his other QBs magically get better. Seriously though, if Wilson can play like this all season they might actually get some Ws their way. That’s wishful thinking though and there’s a lot of football left. Stay tuned America.
MY RANKING: 21-24
18. New Orleans Saints
I don’t even know man. Like, they did win a couple games. But did they “win” them if you know what I mean? I think that the Saints are going to be the mosquito of this season. They can bug you and get to you, but all in all they really aren’t gonna hurt you all that much. What they really need is a gunslinger. If only they had a QB willing to just forget his stats and just send it on any given play…
MY RANKING: 20-23
17. Los Angeles Rams
I’m liking what I’m seeing. I really am. Their offense is solid, and their defense is definitely trying. Matt Stafford is playing pretty well for someone we all thought was done with football. I’m convinced that he could get stabbed by a crazed Raiders fan before a game six times and he would still go out and start chucking dimes as we all watched him slowly bleed out in front of our eyes. He is one tough son of a bitch. And Cooper, you go ahead and get healthy bud, take your time. Puca’s got you covered, they’re doing just fine without you for the time being.
MY RANKING: 13-15
16. Tennessee Titans
What are you guys doing? Are you good or do you suck? This roller coaster is a yearly tradition for these guys. Once we all start doubting their skill, Tannehill turns into Superman and Derrick Henry turns into Derrick Henry. And the defense. I think it’s safe to say that any defense that’s under Mike Vrabel can be terrifying at any given moment, so it’s best to just not overlook them.
MY RANKING: 16-19
15. Houston Texans
CJ muh-fuckin’ Stroud dude. This guy is killing it. And doing so quietly. He just wants to go out there, throw touchdowns, and win games. And he’s starting to do that! He’s got good targets in Nico Collins and Tank Dell, and his best trait is shining like a star: Dude is accurate. Yes he’s bound to throw a pick eventually, but for now this is the AFC South team I’m most scared of. And good on Ryans for changing the culture with a snap of his finger. I hate you guys, I really do, but damn you’re actually looking good.
MY RANKING: 10-13
14. Green Bay Packers
Oh Green Bay. How I miss the days growing up in Wisconsin, having what seemed like every person within ear shot come for my head when I mentioned a team that was not the Packers. Did you guys know that every player and every team that is not the Packers is absolute garbage? It’s true, ask anybody from there. Or just mention that you think Andrew Luck is going to have a good game one week, they’ll find you and let you know. Personal trauma aside, the Packers look average as hell this year, which is refreshing. It seems like Jordan Love could flip that switch at any moment, let’s pray that it doesn’t.
MY RANKING: 15-18
13. Los Angeles Chargers
Man, Herbert is so good. But he’s on the Chargers. That is very unfortunate for him. The reason they were ranked this high is because of him and Keenan Allen. Ekeler is awesome too. I gotta first round playoff elimination feeling again coming for these guys!
MY RANKING: 13-16
12. Jacksonville Jaguars
This team is built for pure success. They have not looked like pure success yet though. They are not playing better than the Texans, and they had home field advantage this past week, they gotta show out for their bruvs. We’ll see how they fair against the Bills this week, that will give us a much better gauge of where they stand. That offense is so good-looking, but looks aren’t everything, they have to show it more persistently.
MY RANKING: 14-17
11. Cleveland Browns
I don’t hate this. The defense is sturdy as hell, keeping the Browns in every game. The offense was starting to catch a stride, but week 4 might've killed that for a bit. DTR did what he could, but the real NFL came knocking on his door, and it wasn't a "nice to see ya, how's the family?" type of visit. Divisional games are always hard to judge a team by, especially when this team didn't have a starting quarterback (no matter how inconsistent) under center.
MY RANKING: 13-16
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Yes. Absolutely. Positively. Tampa Bay has indeed been playing like a top ten team. The defense is doing their job and Baker Mayfield is surprising everyone. We do all remember Stefanski made him play through a bad injury and then shipped him away to get Deshaun Watson, right? Baker never really got the chance to sit down, heal, and reset. That has happened now, and he is playing like he was three years ago again. He's not Patrick Mahomes or Josh Allen, but he's the gunslinger the Buccaneers need to keep their offense alive. It makes it pretty easy when you have Mike Evans to throw to.
MY RANKING: 9-11
9. Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks are doing it again! They're quietly being one of the top teams in the NFL. Did ya'll see that touchdown pass to DK? I keep forgetting that Geno has been pinpoint accurate a lot lately. It was the perfect throw. Now the defense. The defense just exposed the shit out of Daniel Jones and made the Giants look foolish all night. If you would've told me that the team the Seahawks just dog-walked all over Met Life was in the playoffs last year, I wouldn't have believed it for a second. This team might just be the Wild Card favorites to go further than expected come January.
MY RANKING: 6-8
8. Baltimore Ravens
So they definitely looked more put together against the Browns this week, I'll give them that. I'm still not quite convinced they're all the way legitimate yet though. They still heavily rely on Lamar to save them week after week, and we've seen in the past how it ends up biting them in the ass down the line. Injury reports say they're getting some guys back, but take this piece of advice right now if you're a running back in the NFL: STAY AWAY, FAR AWAY.
MY RANKING: 9-12
7. Detroit Lions
These guys are in a tough spot, and will be all season. They have high hopes and expectations for this season for sure, but there's that subconscious doubt that will loom over them all year. It doesn't seem to be bothering them though. They showed the Packers on Thursday who the new Kings of the North are. Dan Campbell's passion by itself could propel this team to the mountaintop. Jared Goff. He's looking like a top 10 quarterback and seems cool as a cucumber while doing so.
MY RANKING: 4-6
6. Miami Dolphins
From 70-20 to 48-20. Damn, that is quite the 180 turn not all of us expected. The Dolphins did not look absolutely awful on Sunday either, Josh Allen was just running on God mode all day. When someone like him is on, it's fuckin over from the start. The Dolphins learned a lesson today and that is that they're getting there, but they're not all the way there yet. Give it time, if they make the dominating offense a weekly thing, they'll stay comfy at the top for a long time.
MY RANKING: 6-8
5. Dallas Cowboys
"Hahaha, same ol' Cowbo- OH SHIT, THEY'RE KILLIN EM!" That pretty much sums up how Sunday went for many of us NFL watching folk, as the Cowboys decided to show everybody that although they may still slip sometimes, it ain't the same as it used to be. They absolutely embarrassed Belichick and the boys, making them look silly on literally anything they tried to do. Mac Jones looked like a 5th grader playing against Georgia's 2021 defense. It was not a pretty sight to look at (for Patriots fans). Cowboys might be legit after all.
MY RANKING: 3-6
4. Philadelphia Eagles
It hasn't been perfect on the field, but the record tells a different story. The Eagles scraped away a win from the Commanders in OT, and that was due to shitty coach error, not the Commander's play. The Eagles didn't play that poorly either, they just allowed stuff they did not used to allow. Their secondary has holes, and it will eventually cost them, but for now the city of "Brotherly Shove" pushes on. Side note. I am more and more convinced each week that A.J. Brown can just beat anybody 1v1. Yeah Forbes is a rookie and is kinda playing like ass, but still that dude is just taking footballs from people's faces. I love it.
MY RANKING: 2-4
3. Buffalo Bills
Josh Allen. Stefon Diggs. Hell, even Gabe Davis. Any time this offense gets any semblance of momentum, they look like they are going to put up 100 on you. They humbled the shit out of the Dolphins on Sunday. It was literally like watching the younger brother who finally thinks he can beat up his older brother and come to find out: he cannot. Bills started slow and then rocketed upwards. Easily the best team in the AFC right now.
MY RANKING: 1-2
2. Kansas City Chiefs
Uh-oh. They almost gotcha! Patrick Mahomes was human on Sunday and really almost let the game get away from him. *Insert obligatory Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce quip here* The Jets defense really made Mahomes think twice before throwing the ball Sunday night, and the fancy shit wasn't working this time. But it all ended as it usually does. If you take away Mahomes' arm, he still has his legs (how does everyone forget that?) He sealed the game and escaped the gotcha game of the week. Four games in and the Super Bowl champs are looking a little lower in AFC rankings than we're used to (well, I guess not according to this list, but you get what I'm saying).
MY RANKING: 3-6
1. San Francisco 49ers
You have two choices when you face the 49ers. Die quickly and harshly or suffocate slowly and painfully. There is no option 3. Christian McCaffrey is the shit dude. He just shows that he can be used in any aspect of the offensive scheme, making him one if not the most dangerous offensive player in the NFL. Then other than him you have Deebo, Aiyuk, and Kittle. AND the defense. Yeah, its a surefire pick as to who the most dominant team in the NFL is right now. And we get Sunday night against the Cowboys? I love football.
MY RANKING: 1
There you have it. Holy shit, that was a lot. Maybe the list aren't always the most accurate because they take fuckin 3 hours to make. I have been humbled today. Let's not do this again, let's do like a trending up and trending down list or something. That seems so much more easy to do and easy to read. You guys don't need me telling you the 49ers and Bills rock every week. Yeah sorry if you made it this far, but thank you for suffering with me. Until next week!
Twitter: @TimothyFax
Pics Used in this Blog
Taylor, Will and Me (my photo)
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