Everyone, take a deep breath for fucks sake. International break is here, and THE Tottenham Hotspur will spend the next 2 weeks atop the Premier League table (as a Spurs fan I am overjoyed and quite literally in disbelief to say this). Honestly, they look like the real deal. Big Ange Postecoglou is doing what nobody expected, thriving without Harry Kane at Hotspur Lane. With that being said, Spurs on top is like seeing an elephant in a tree. We don’t know how the fuck it got up there, but we know that it will come crashing down eventually.
But, what if it doesn’t? Could they… not a chance… but what if?
Enough of me waffling over the Spurs, let’s get into the Week 8 matchups.
Luton Town Hatters V Tottenham Hotspur:
I’m actually quite disappointed in our ability to finish in the final third against the lowly Hatters. Right out the gate we dominated possession to the tune of 88%. We had 7 shots, 3 on goal and converted ZERO of our opportunities. Yves Bissouma picked up a first half yellow card and then pulled a Lebron James and flopped his way into a red card before the halftime whistle sounded. Bissouma, I love you, I truly do, however, that was a lousy move. Have some shame.
Coming out of the halftime break, Ange’s gotta do what Ange’s gotta do. Down to 10 men, Richi is off and Hojbjerg is on. Sidebar, I know this doesn’t fit the agenda but fucking hell, what a cameo from Hojbjerg. I swear he does everything he’s asked of and people still find a reason to cast him out.
Lemme build a beautiful picture in your head. It’s a corner kick, taken short to James Maddison, Maddison has the ball on a string, finds his way through the Hatter’s defense, threads the ball to Micky Van De Ven’s left foot, he opens his hips, iGOLAZO! Van De Ven’s first goal for the Lily Whites! Spurs up 1-0.
From this point on, the game becomes a defensive battle for the Spurs. Luton sent out Teden Mengi, Luke Berry, Cauley Woodrow, Tahith Chong, and Ross Barkley in a last gasp attempt to level the game. Ange counters, with Emerson Royal, Oliver Skipp, Ben Davies, and Alejo Veliz putting an end to James Maddison, Hueng Min Son, Destiny Udogie, and Dejan Kulusevski’s day.
FINAL: Spurs 1 | Luton Lown 0
Everton Toffees V Bournemouth Cherries
The boys in blue are back! Kinda. After an abysmal performance against the Hatters (1-2), Everton netted three goals past Bournemouth by the likes of James Garner, Jack Harrison, and Abdoulaye Doucoure in the 8’ 37’ and 59’ respectively. Is this a sign for things to come? Probably not. Everton is in all accounts a few wingers and defenders short of being a top 10 team, but the fact of the matter is, they just aren’t there yet. There are a handful of question marks for a team that is desperately trying to avoid back-to-back seasons in a relegation battle. Toffee fans, count your blessings Sheffield, Bournemouth and Burnley exist. But relying on the poor play of other teams is what got you into a relegation battle last year. Sean Dyche is a “save you from relegation” type manager so I suppose you have that working for you.
FINAL: Everton 3 | Bournemouth 0
Burnley Clarets V Chelsea Blues
If there was ever a gimme game for Chelsea, it was this one with a final of 4-1 in the Blues favor. The start of the game was another gut punch feeling for Blues fans as Wilson Odobert put the Clarets up 1-0 just 15’ into the game. The game lulled along with two yellow cards going in each direction before Ameen Al-dakhil leveled the game in injury time prior to the halftime whistle. Whatever Mauricio Pochettino’s halftime speech was, it must have lit a fire under the ass cheeks of the Chelsea players. Cole Palmer scored in the 50’ followed by Raheem Sterling and Nicolas Jackson in the 65’ and 73’. I will give credit where credit is due. I haven’t seen Chelsea play good football all season, but the second half of this game was their best performance since they played Wrexham in the preseason. Albeit that doesn’t say too much as Wrexham are currently 7th in the League Two table. Nonetheless, Chelsea has now won back-to-back games and things finally seem to be clicking between Poch and his players.
Enjoy the international break in the bottom half of the table.
FINAL: Burnley 1 | Chelsea 4
Fulham Cottagers V Sheffield Blades
I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch this game. It was a battle between two teams that play negative football. Fulham have no attacking prowess and Sheffield are just complete shit (see premier league table position). To be 8 weeks into the season and have 1 point (draw to Everton) to show for is enough said. They simply do not have what it takes to hang with, well, anyone but Everton apparently. The Blades have scored six goals and allowed a league worst 22 goals; I would like to coin this performance as the “SpongeBob defense.” Fulham on the other hand is just “there” not much else can be said. They simply don’t do anything fancy. They win and lose the games they're supposed to. I can’t really fault a small market team for surviving. I guess the takeaway for them this season is that they remain in the Premier League.
FINAL: Fulham 3 | Sheffield 1
Manchester United Red Devils V Brentford Bees
I don’t care about this game. Man United won 2-1. Where the fuck has Scott Mctominay been? Nobody knows but with two injury time goals to win the game, Mctominay keeps the Red Devils in the top half of the table for the international break.
Now onto the more important topic of discussion. If Crystal Palace didn’t exist, I feel I would be well within my rights to label Man United as the most mid mid-table team in the league. What did Erik Ten Hag do to Man United? I get it, injury this, injury that, injury… shut the fuck up. Welcome to Football, injury is a part of the game. Deal with it. My question resides in Ten Hag’s decision making. Let’s start with the lineup choice. Alejandro Garnacho on the bench, the fuck? I get you want to play a 4-2-3-1 formation, but your injuries don’t allow you to do that. I know Ten Hag will never see this, but I am going to do it anyway. Let me suggest a 3-3-4 formation.
You have Onana doing whatever the fuck he does in goal, a back 3 with Jonny Evans on the left, Diogo Dalot on the right and Harry Maguire playing a sweeper role. In your midfield I'd place Sofyan Amrabat as your deep-lying Center Defensive Midfielder playing a stopper type role, your center midfielder Bruno Fernades and your Center Attacking Midfielder is Christian Erikson. Front four, the most crucial part to what Ten Hag needs to be doing to change the dynamic and direction of his team. Marcus Rashford and Rasmus Hojlund are your strikers, Alejandro Garnacho is your Left Wing and as for Right Wing, my obvious choice is Jaden Sancho, but everyone knows how that’s going; so, Anthony Martial. You have guided your team to 9 goals in 8 weeks (7 in 7 prior to this week). If you want to win games, you must score goals. This formation allows for four competent attackers to get forward and attack the opposing box and it allows Fernandes and Erikson to play open and free throughout the midfield without having to worry so much about a counterattack. Just my suggestion, the bald fuck is going to do what he pleases.
FINAL: Scott Mctominay 2 | Brentford 1
Crystal Palace Eagles V Nottingham Forest
Remember when I said Crystal Palace existed, well, this is what I mean. Way to prove my point on being the most mid mid-table team. Since the 2013-14 season, Crystal Palace have found themselves comfortably positioned between 10th and 15th place. I admire them for being consistent but at what point do you get sick of being average? Apparently not anytime soon. Palace again find themself going into the international break sitting in the middle of the table. I guess you can say the eagles aren’t soaring so high.
This game was the ultimate “battle of the mid'' and almost comically, no team prevailed. Points are shared in an absolute snooze fest that only feature 6 shots on goal.
FINAL: Crystal Palace 0 | Nott’m Forest 0
Wolverhampton Wanderers V Aston Villa Villains
The Wolves might as well steal the Villain title from Aston because holy shit, they have pulled off some surprising outcomes these last two weeks. After knocking down the treble winning Manchester City team, the Wolves Wander into a game against the 5th place villains and steal a point. The “Korean Guy” strikes again. After securing the win against City in the 66’ Hee-chan Hwang doubles back and scores in the 53’ to put the Wolves up 1-0. Unfortunately, Pau Torres equalizes just 2’ later and the game finishes at a draw. This guy has made a name for himself in the league, maybe Pep Guardiola will remember his name the next time the two teams face off.
FINAL: Wolverhampton 1 | Aston Villa 1
West Ham United Hammers V Newcastle Magpies
I don’t know if I should be impressed by West Ham or disappointed in Newcastle. Nevertheless, David Moyes’ counter attacking style of football seems to be working as he has the Hammers positioned 7th going into the international break. I give him credit for having faith in his team to lose the possession battle (by week ((36/64, 24/76, 19/81, 62/38{Luton Town}, 35/65, 32/68, 54/46{Sheffield}, 35/65)) and still manage 4 wins, 2 loses, and 2 draws. My question is, how long does it last? As a Spurs fan, I’ve seen the counter attacking, no possession type play style. It fizzles out, fast, and while I commend them for going into the break 7th, I have a feeling we will see them fall sooner rather than later.
Newcastle, what is going on? Overperformed last year or underperforming this year? I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, they played Man City, Liverpool and got thumped by Brighton before winning three straight games one of which they smacked Sheffield 8-0. However, you finished in the top 4 last season, you are supposed to be able to compete with the likes of City and Liverpool and yet you are going into the break in 8th. The Magpie's schedule is going to get easier after the international break, but it leaves you questioning if they can contend in both UCL and Premier League Table; It has yet to be seen.
FINAL: West Ham 2 | Newcastle 2
Brighton and Hove Albion Seagulls V Liverpool Reds
Glory, Glory, Brighton! A week after Liverpool fans were sent into a complete meltdown over an obvious VAR mistake and an own goal by Joel Matip against the Tottenham Hotspurs (cry more). Brighton soared back with a late goal from Lewis Dunk in the 78’ to force Liverpool into more ill-advised lost points. Nothing is going right for Liverpool over the last two weeks, and it honestly feels like Karma is finally collecting her dues from all these years of calls going their way. Fuck you Liverpool, your tears are sweet and enjoyable. Keep ‘em coming.
FINAL: Brighton 2 | Liverpool 2
Arsenal Gu(oo)ners V Manchester City Citizens
What can I say? The Gooners finally did it. Hats off to Mikel Arteta, he finally did what Tottenham has been doing for years. Beat Man City at home. I applaud him, Man City goes down, Tottenham goes top of the table. Honestly, I just want to say thank you. It must be painful, looking up at Tottenham, who are top of the league. I mean North London has always been White.
Alrighty, enough of that. For real, hats off to the Gunners, you beat man city, Arteta finally beat his long-time trainer. The more impressive fact is that he not only beat him for the first time, but they did not allow a shot on goal, impressive. The halftime change for Arsenal was complete dominance, City could not get anything going. Haaland ghosted that game as did many other City players. The goal, a bit lucky as I think Ederson makes that save if it didn’t get deflected off Rico Lewis’ face but, I won’t get into the semantics. Again, congratulations on beating City for the first time in, I don’t even know how long, very much deserved.
FINAL: Arsenal 1 | Man City 0
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